I placed a Torphichen order at the Torphichen Inn
I’ll have a long Torphichen glass of Torphichen gin
And what do you do for fun around these Torphichen parts?
You got any Torphichen snooker or Torphichen darts?
Well it turns out there’s a Torphichen Inn football team
And their away strip’s the Torphichen best I’ve ever seen

You put your Torphichen Inn, your Torphichen out
West Lothian, out, shake it all about
Get a Torphichen husband or a Torphichen wife
If you’re Torphichen tired, get a Torphichen life

Oh, all I want for Christmas is a Torphichen Inn away kit
If that’s not Torphichen much to ask for
I can impress the fashionistas down on Torphichen high street
Be a Torphichen dandy and a Torphichen bore
Between Bathgate and Linlithgow’s where’ll you’ll find this place
But look out for the cartoonist off his Torphichen face

The Knights Hospitaller of St. John
Made their Scottish headquarters at Torphichen
But when I first went there, the village said nut
You canny get a drink – we’re Torphichen shut
They only come alive from Thursday to Sunday
They’re Torphichen lazy to open on a Torphichen Monday
A shiny shirted shyster drawing Torphichen toons
Who came from the land of Oor Wullie and The Broons
Drew a Tam O Shanter mural at Torphichen central
But you can only see it at weekends which is Torphichen mental

Oh, Torphichen Inn
Torphichen
Torphichen Inn
In Torphichen

from the EP All I Want For Christmas Is A Torphichen Inn Away Kit by Half Bam Half Whisky.

Listen here