I’m Alex Cole Hamilton
I find it so insulting
That my pal Davey’s been abused

He’s got a beard and glasses
The SNP think that is
A reason to be really rude

If you diss him, I will feel it
Diss him, I will feel it
Diss him and I will scweam and say

Davey, I love you
Davey, I love you
Davey I love – I love only you

I embody sychophancy
You’re Sid and I am Nancy
It’s really easy to explain

My one emotion is smarmy
I want to join the smug journalist army
I love to hear you call my name
Oh tell me that you feel it
Tell me that you feel it
Tell me that you feel the same

chorus

Oh Mr Torrance, our saviour
You’re like a Scottish Lawrence of Arabia
Striding through the political desert with Ruth
Atop your fearless camel of truth
Dishing out polemical bon mots
Hounded like Marilyn Monroe

You’re hard hipster jive, Little Mix
Like a sexy weetabix
Your book on Salmond’s pure James Joyce
If prose were a car,
If prose were a car,
you’d be a Rolls Royce

Your analysis of Mr President
Should be on gorilla TV

from the album Slime Of The Times by Half Bam Half Whisky