Assistant Referee’s Alphabet

A is for Aberdeen – where I was born and my mate Ross Thomson who represents the constituency Aberdeen South following the glorious election of 2017

B is for Bungle – our pet name for our glorious leader Theresa May

C is for Conservative. What else? The highest political philosophy known to man. And ladies.

D is for Douglas – my first name. I’m lucky enough to be one of those people who has two first names for my whole name. That’s impressive, eh?

E is for Education. I was educated at Forres Academy and the Scottish Agricultural College. Forres sounds like forest doesn’t it? I’m so ecological.

F is for Fochabers and Lhanbryde – my first ward. This is where the magic began.

G is for Gypsies. Don’t like ’em.

H is for the House of Commons where I show up occasionally if I’m not assisting referees.

I is for investigation which the SFA did on me. I was warned to pay attention to my use of language. Big wows.

J is for junket – a ridiculous word used to besmirch my important training trips to Switzerland.

K is for the 40 K I get a year for my weekend job. Not including the all-expenses paid trips to Europe.

L is for linesman which some people still insist on calling the noble art of assistant refeering. Get with the 21st century, you neanderthals.

M is for Moray  Рmy constituency. My kind of people. The huge Tory funding and tailored advertising aimed at the residents, helped me spank SNP Bad man Angus Robertson in the 2017 election. Happy days.

N is for New Conservatism which is much like Old Conservatism but much much worse.

O is for Old Firm. I officiated at an old firm match once and repeatedly shouted at the referee to send off a Celtic player. One of my finest moments.

P is for Portugal where I officated in a Champions League match between Sporting Lisbon and Real Madrid.

Q is for Question Time – a light entertainment programme which they really should get me on so I can explain the offside rule.

R is for Real Madrid. I was assistant referee at one of their games once don’t you know.

S is for Sporting Lisbon. That’s who Real Madrid were playing when I was assistant referee. Amazing, eh?

T is for Tuesday which is the day I missed the justice committee meeting to officiate at that Sporting Lisbon versus Real Madrid game in Portugal I was talking about.

U is for Universal Credit -that’s the debate I missed in Parliament due to my heavy refereeing schedule.

V is for vulgar which is what all these moaning minnies are that go on about my refereeing commitments.

W is for Westminster. Nice place. Shame about the cybernat oiks there.

X is for the mark on the ballot paper so many millions of marvellous Moray people placed next to my name that glorious day in 2017.

Y is for yellow card. It’s like a red card. But yellow.

Z is for zippy. My favourite Rainbow character. He looks a bit like my mate Ross Thomson too. Haha. Only joking, Ross – ya big Saddam sword joker ye.

from The Ross Boys EP by Half Bam Half Whisky Listen here

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