The midges, the midges, I’m no gonnae kid ye’s,
The midges is really the limit,
Wi teeth like pirhanas, they drive ye bananas,
If ye let them get under yer simmit!

The Lord put the Garden of Eden on earth,
And it’s north of the Tweed, we believe,
Ay, Scotland’s the place, and the whole human race,
Started off with MacAdam and Eve!
In six days or under, he finished this wonder,
Except for the Forth and Tay Bridges,
Then always a bloke for a practical joke,
He made Scotland the home of the midges!

The midges, the midges, I’m no gonnae kid ye’s,
The midges is really the limit,
Wi teeth like pirhanas, they drive ye bananas,
If ye let them get under yer simmit!

Back in 1314, the proud Edward was keen,
To take Scotland into his care,
But he made a U-turn when he reached Bannockburn,
Just a few weeks before Glasgow Fair!
For the midges let loose by King Robert the Bruce,
Straight into the English they tore,
So they ran off in tears, and for six hundred years,
They’ve been blocking the A74!

The midges, the midges, I’m no gonnae kid ye’s,
The midges is really the limit,
Wi teeth like pirhanas, they drive ye bananas,
If ye let them get under yer simmit!

Now never forget, when the sun’s going to set,
And the midges arise on Loch Eck,
Like the vampires you see, played by Christopher Lee,
They will give you a pain in the neck!
You can smack them and whack them; in vain you’ll attack them,
For they know every move that you make,
If you manage to kill yin, another half million,
Are ready tae come tae the wake!

The midges, the midges, I’m no gonnae kid ye’s,
The midges is really the limit,
Wi teeth like pirhanas, they drive ye bananas,
If ye let them get under yer simmit!

Now Torquil the piper’s a giant of a man,
With a sporran as long as your arm,
And in Oban he’s known, for the sound of his drone,
And a pibroch of real highland charm!
But they’re sighing and sobbing, the ladies of Oban,
For Torquil is not what he was,
Since a midge in Glenbranter got hold of his chanter,
And carried it off in its jaws!

The midges, the midges, I’m no gonnae kid ye’s,
The midges is really the limit,
Wi teeth like pirhanas, they drive ye bananas,
If ye let them get under yer simmit!

vocal: Kenneth McKellar and Nick Baker

Backing: Wiggy Giggy by The Lovely Eggs

 

see also:

Phoresy

Kleptoparasitic Fly