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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
affidavits
by
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week: Bondage

Your Lonely Hearts Ad hardly befits a married man, let alone a medical professional. “Need a shag - No sharp instruments - bring another bird. And both of you leave your clothes outside the door” is off-putting.  Surely some help to fold them might be more appropriate.  Agnes Scratch

Dr F: Yes, yes, yes. But it still didn’t stop you bringing your budgerigar, Geoff, did it? You know I’m allergic to the winged variety and you hadn’t trained it to untie me afterwards.

I found an S&M magazine in my little boys bedroom. Should I spank him?  Irma Bitwurrid

Dr F: Tell him to take it to school and let the prettiest teacher find it on him and just let her give him six of the best. Tickets are £5.

My wife wrapped a five iron around my neck but I never played a round. I don’t remember what happened after we got on the Fairway. What happened? Ivor  Nicewood

Dr F: Apparently she is tee-ed off with you bigtime.  She hit a four and her ball ended up up a neighboring cows bottom . Your first mistake was lifting up the tail and saying “Darling this one looks like yours!”

I have a similar story when I accidentally swallowed my glass eye. Two days later you wished to examine my rear end and when I bent down  I saw everything  you were up to. Samuel Pepys VI

Dr F: Trust me, I’m a Doctor, or it will be one in the eye for you.

I have curious symptoms ever since you replaced my testicles with onions. When I pee my eyes water. When my wife gives me a BJ she gets heartburn. When I walk past a hotdog stall I get a hard on. Saul Ian Nabbag

Dr F: Stop moaning . My last patient had his replaced with meatballs and pasta. When he masturbated he ejaculated ravioli complete with crimped edges and another fifty six varieties.

I’m your local Town Mayor  visiting your surgery with the local Care Standards agency and  I saw a whole class of very busty women in your newly opened “Keeping Looking Dead Fit Clinic” doing aerobics and sitting on spacehoppers.  I started to get the idea this was more for your own voyeuristic sexual gratification judging by the sticky residue on your laptop. Explain. Mayor Nayes

Dr F: Sorry, your Blingfullness! It’s the wrong sign on the door. It should read. “Clinic for flatulent victims after swallowing bubble gum.” You better leave now. The girl inflating on the right is about to blow.

I have fractured ribs and a hernia since I attended your counseling to cope with fetishes. I’m that sore I will never ride a horse again. Buster Bollock

Dr F: I was just showing you that tack shops are not just for horses.

Torture is nice. Slap me in irons why don’t you? I haven’t had a good larruping in ages. Reefe Knott

Dr F: That’s nothing. I have a better way to know real pain. Why not join me and watch Jeremy Kyle. It's TV to wail and squirm to.

I could swing for people that want to bring back hanging.  Les Karmdoon

Dr F: I think that is stretching things too far. Hanging is the ultimate bondage pleasure, but people who have already experienced it have never given us much feedback on just how good it is? Even poptart Paula Yates found more than her dressing gown on the back of the door and died of embarrassment. Personally a quick slap on the back of the legs with a bunch of garden nettles until they bleed is just as good in my view.
Remember the old adage: “Do what I say, and thrash me today!”

I’m a Scout Leader and teach safe risk assessed fire-making and wilderness cooking with eye protection. My boys love to learn about knots. It’s even more fun inside bib whacks where we can compare toggles. Major Look

Dr F: You are a danger to our society. Dressing in a khaki Mountie hat, dangly shorts and a silly neckerchief gives you no right to be anywhere near children.  I’d phone Social Services if I thought they would do something. But that would be like giving a full time job as a nursery assistant to Paul Gadd.

What does a sadist do to torture a masochist? Norah Nobboff

Dr F: Nothing.


see also:

Transport
Christmas
New Year
Success
Love
Health
Laughter
The Ward
Death
Cremation
More death
The Generation Gap
Intelligence
Medicine
Diet
Psychics
Body Neurosis
Smoking
Diagnosis
Truth
Drink
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
Life
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Thinking
Dreaming
Extra Terrestials
Definitions
More Definitions
Sleep
Friendship
Money
Timewasters
Hygiene
Hair

General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2
Halloween
Sheep
Pet Hates
Dementia
Senility or Stupidity?
Conundrums
Conundrums 2
Christmas 2
Aversion Therapy
Personal Experience
Measurement
Growing Up
Surviving Insanity
Testimonials
Challenges
Sexual Harrassment
Murphy's Law
Question Time
Words
Incest
Communication
Finer Details
Parents and Family
Wonder
Riddles
Community
Patriotism
Defying Description 1
Defying Description 2
Good Practice
Sex and the Law
Pigs
Expressions
Superstition
Stress
Work and Life Balance

Teeth
Dogs
Self Esteem
Luck
American Football
Political Correction
Colloquialisms
Actual Facts 1
Actual Facts 2
Actual Facts 3
Household Hints
Ignorance
Wildlife
Pubs
Christmas 3
New Year Resolutions
Marriage

Stupidity
Fear
Home Truths
Home Truths 2
Idiosyncrasy
Carrots
Logic
Experiments
Tradesmen
Conversation Starters
Impotence

Nightmares
Poverty
Near Death Experiences
The Bible
Eating Disorders
Magic
Phobias
Hangovers
Catch 22
Voting
Culture
Relaxation

Race
NTL Complaint
Complaints
Complaints 2
Simple Tips
Issues
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Leisure
Texting
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Clichés
Rock & Roll
Panic Attacks
Common Knowledge
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Lame Excuses
Pet Hates 2
Manifesto
Metaphors
T-Shirt Ideas
Job References
Fruit and Veg
Recycling
Fashion
The Supernatural
Testicles
Sexy Secrets
Typos