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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
affidavits
by
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Definitions

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: Claire Rayner was a chronically obese Agony Aunt. So you could say she was a fat lot of good.

Why can't we ever Sit to be corrected? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: I prefer it when you whip and spank me…chase me around the surgery and call me names.

Why when I wind up my watch I start it but when I wind up a project I end it?
(Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: You don’t have to wind me up to get me started. For example, a patient named Rick (the ‘p’ was silent) demanded treatment because he said that he had ‘wound up an alcoholic’. I threw him out of my office until he promised to apologise to the bloke.

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: I always thought it was the space between a pair of tits. Like the occasional table on Richard and Judy.

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: Fast for a month if you really want to slow down.

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: I once tried to buy some soft furnishings from a seven foot Irish curblayer. He told me “It’s totally fireproof, so it is.” I answered “You mean you are well and truly retarded then?” To my very sore surprise he placed the item at a very awkward angle up my arsehole. That is the last time I try to buy a ‘pouffe’ in Dublin.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: What you get if you nick my parking space. I put a shopping trolley in mine to stop the thieving bastards. This strategy works particularly well at Tesco. Once there, I just sat parked in the last available space with my engine and headlights on and indicating to turn out and leave (but without moving) for an hour. You should see the buggers queue then. When enough shoppers are poised with anticipation, turn your engine and lights off and starting read a newspaper.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: I looked you over and the only thing you don’t have is hypochondria.

Why do they call them offspring? Why not onspring? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr Farquar comments: Because to make them you have to first spring on and then spring off.

If horrific means to make horrible does terrific mean to make terrible? (Contributed by Eldridge Scales)
Dr Farquar comments: How paranoid is that? Think nice thoughts and pleasant feelings, erm…do you still get those panic attacks?..Now… let me see. Dream of swaying palms… and sand dunes …with a clear blue alluring sky............................................... ..........................................................................................................................
..........................................................................................................................
.................................................................................BOO! ……………NOW FUCK OFF!

Why do we say Lets get this show on the road when we want it to start? Doesn't that imply the opposite? (Contributed by Claire B.)
Dr Farquar comments: Only buskers should ever say that. I knew an incontinent busker. He often liked ‘to go on the road.’

Why does everybody have a different definition of 'good enough'? (Contributed by Alex Petty)
Dr Farquar comments: I don’t know. In my case it’s not good enough.

Why are people overwhelmed but never just whelmed? (Contributed by Alex Petty)
Dr Farquar comments: Bowel movements can be overwhelming. My advice when ‘touching cloth’ is to harness that power. Stand on a skateboard and bend down to tie your shoelaces. Presto! A new land speed record! Getting ‘whelmed’ is a Scottish term for having treatment for anal parasites.

 

see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
Transport
Christmas
New Year
Success
Love
Health
Laughter
The Ward
Death
Cremation
More death
The Generation Gap
Intelligence
Medicine
Diet
Psychics
Body Neurosis
Smoking
Diagnosis
Truth
Drink
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
Life
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Thinking
Dreaming
Extra Terrestials