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This week - Home Truths 2 You know what really stinks? Why, if a picture is worth a thousand words, I can’t trade a Rembrandt for a newspaper? Luke Tobias Apint Dr Farquar says: You heathen savage, Sir! I will have to put a standard lampshade around your neck to stop you licking your wounds. You are the sort of person whose arguments make a camel look like a horse that has been designed by a Social Services committee. I create art for the public but I’m still constipated with griping pain. Only yesterday I was trying to produce a piece to leave in a local park for passers-by and worked up quite a sweat, needing to take my jacket off and roll both my sleeves up. The piece was called “Extrusion from Beyond” and do you know what? The Park keeper had already run out of toilet tissue. Saeed So Dr F: Park wardens think they know it all. One told me to keep off the grass, so I switched to dropping acid. As for your constipation and suffering for your art, try prunes - they will give you a run for your money. I’m one for the ladies, but I am frightened about getting hitchhikers on my little fella. Can you suggest how to spot women with health issues below the navel without having to go to the trouble of buying them a drink first? Walt Singh Dr F: There are some small rituals to uphold if you don’t want to be back here with the galloping knobrot. If you follow a simple regime before the inevitable ‘Jousts of Venus’ you can invite your lady home and treat her to a coffee before a good muffin or maybe a little butter on her crumpet. The Tesco VD test If you find your date spending way too much time in the cucumber section, be aware of ‘two for the price of one’ offers. Be more afraid if you purchase one that already has lipstick on one end by the time you get to the checkout. Try the above again and if she buys a marrow instead slip out the fire exit to save you both more embarrassment later. Assess her academic skills by writing on the till receipt "please turn over" on both sides. If this task keeps her busy for more than two hours you can be sure she will never get bored with you. The master of all tests is to find out how chaste your new girlfriend is. My advice is to date a Roman Catholic convent lassie. Take her to Charing Cross and introduce her to your favourite prostitute. If she asks what these painted ladies do for a living, explain that such women give sexual favours to men for money. If she then asks how much they charge. Tell her £50. Wait for her next comment. She will undoubtedly give either one of two responses.. “That’s disgusting. I believe that sex is something you should only share with a very special person on your wedding night.” This means you have a ‘nice’ girl to date tonight but you still have the whore’s number for later, right?” On the other hand if she says: “£50? The monks only gave me an apple afterwards.” In which case I can soon prescribe a short course of anti-biotic directly. I was a virgin until you performed a dental operation requiring anaesthetic. Instead of counting backwards before I ‘went under’ I heard “Beelezebub, Prince of Darkness, accept this my sacrifice…” and my tooth still hurts.. should I be concerned? Delia Yadeck Dr F: How ungrateful. You’re lucky you didn’t wind up like my psychiatrist who after the same operation sadly lost his life. I battled all night to save him by dressing up in rags and dancing in the hills chanting in Gaelic Latin Esperanto. Mind you it’s just as well. He knew too much anyway. You are a GP and not a dentist. Even if you were qualified, £70 for pulling a tooth is a lot to pay for a few minutes work. Gaynor Point Dr F: Ah yes! But to make sure my patients get value for money I extract the tooth very very very slowly. I’m an arsonist. How is it that one careless match starts a forest fire and it takes a whole box to set light to next doors shed? Ash Right Dr F: Arsonists are like jazz musicians without a girlfriend. Often homeless. I thought you were a responsible young man and that’s why I reported you to the Police on your day off from burning down institutions. Hoax calling is fun and good exercise for firemen who would just loll about playing cards and eating fried food all day otherwise. If firemen used the stairs instead of that lazy way of sliding down the pole they would be fitter and it wouldn’t need me to fit a smoke alarm just because they can’t get there in time. Sliding up and down poles is for scantily clad women with enough friction to start a small bushfire anyway. This is simply not suitable for fully grown men. Such practices usually mean somebody has to clean the pole afterwards. Who does that then? Yours truly! That’s who! I can’t wait until Saturday night…we have eight artistes fresh off Farmer Fugees beetroot plantation performing at the Grunty Fen newly opened gents club called the “Clapping Fish” and I’ve managed to disable the air conditioning. Don’t worry I’ll be ready with my Mr Muscle.
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