This week - Household Hints

To make a stretcher for a man who drinks too much take a long piece of canvas (the sort you would find on a deckchair) and steal two stout clothes props. Nail the longer sides of the canvas to the poles each side. Get ratarsed and shitfaced and then place the stretcher on the ground outside a pub and lay upon it taking care not to lose any change you have left out of eighty quid. Presto! In no time at all you will have two other pissheads stumble upon you and try with partial success to carry you to the next pub. As a precaution wear bubble wrap on your elbows in case you are repeatedly dropped or stuck in a hedge vertically and thus abandoned to piss yourself just a few yards from your home. Unless you are rescued by the milkman at around 4 am ..Maybe you will hear him ‘ tinkling away’ first if you haven’t already? Greg Arious

Dr Farquar says: Ingenious. Just think if you lived here you would be home by now. I expect that you share a lot in common with your wife. Like..err being married on the same day.

I’m eighty three and I think I could save my poor aching back when on my allotment by simply putting a sign in the middle of my potato plants “Beware GM Crop”. Imagine what will happen next. Within minutes, masked paper-overalled protestors will arrive and run amok tearing up my potatoes for me thus preventing further attacks of lumbago. Homer Onarange

Dr F: Yes quite right. You can tell the size of a new road scheme by the numbers of protesters in a tree.

Here is a tip to get rid of pesky ants without having to buy expensive tweezers. You will need….

Ingredients

1 child’s remote control car

3 metres of knicker elastic

1 jar of Maple syrup

1 garden pond

Method:

When plagued with ants in the kitchen, steal your kid’s remote control car and smother it with maple syrup. Allow the colony to ‘arrive for their last supper’ Now, attach the knicker elastic to rear of toy car and the other end to your left foot. Go outside into the garden carrying the sticky and infested car and place it on ground at a safe distance from the pond. Point in direction of fish pond and accelerate at full speed.

Result:

The ants will drown, knowing you mean business, and never return. Maple syrup is cheaper and less dangerous to pets. The toy car can be retrieved with the knicker elastic. The car can be licked dry by local vagrants usually found sitting beneath ‘hole in the wall’ machines. Place the knicker elastic back in your neighbours’ underwear discreetly on their washing line while it hangs out to dry.

Warning: Don’t replace knicker elastic while your neighbour is wearing her knickers. More importantly do not try to smuggle the stretchy material back in the frilly hem if her husband is wearing them. At least he's not hurting anybody or experimenting with dangerous substances. He just needs some cognitive therapy and hormone treatment and, Bingo, he is just another innocent and harmless deviant.

The same can be done to eradicate other pests. Like your child’s “Now Thats What I Call Music,” CD or cats that piss on your lawn.

Health and safety:

Make sure you are standing nearer to the pond than the length of knicker elastic as a shorter length will cause the car to catapult backwards, before it reaches the pond and land a direct hit to your nuts.