This week: Impropriety

Whenever my twin sister and I have an appointment with you, you try to undress us with your eyes. We need a bit more help than that to get our tits out. Shirley Knott

Dr F: Eye contact is difficult with Siamese twins. I can’t do it when somebody else is watching.

You are rude and belligerent. How about a little decorum? Besides, there is only enough room for one person in this catscan. Esther Lastime

Dr F: Sorry, I’m still looking for my cat.

I’m not sure my suppositories should be served with a tennis racket. Saff Anrunny

Dr F: Take off your pantyhose and we can play without a net.

I’m incontinent after watching Clint Eastwood films. What is this condition called? Di Rear

Dr F: “Every which way, but loose”

I have terrible eruptions all over my skin. Will this ointment clear them up? Scarlet Fever

Dr F: I never make rash promises. But I had run out of Germelene, and Thousand Island Dressing seems to go further.

All my stitches burst when I had a late circumcision. I got the jack when Nurse Hooters gave me a bed bath and got me into a bit of lather and ‘bang went me banjo string’ I’ll be darned.  Ivor Woody

Dr F: Your penis is only a small matter. Of course I will stitch you up. The invoice is in the post.

I keep snoring and it wakes me up. I’ve tried sleeping in the next room but I can still hear myself. What shall I do?  Drew Mabreth

Dr F: Narcolepsy is when you could die during slumber due to a lack of oxygen.  In my view it's nothing for you to lose any sleep over. There is a 50/50 success rate on a small operation to remove some of your palate but you may never be able to oil paint again.

My toddler has just swallowed a pen..what shall I do? His Nibs

Dr F: Use a pencil until I get there. In the meantime I don’t care a single jot.

I run a convent called “Cherubs of  the Strum Eachother Like A Well Worn Guitar Chapel of Chavs and Roadkill Haircuts.” Refuge for fallen waifs and strays of the crafty fag and quickie up against a wheelie bin. Would you like to come to our charity fundraiser for ‘Idle teenage mothers and their brothers’? We are playing ‘navel ring swapping’ and giving out free Chlamydia tests for the under 12’s outside the local Spar?  Sister Itis of the Tumble Dried Holy Knickers and Still Slightly Damp Drawers Trinity.

Dr F: You expect me to rub shoulders with those dirty trollops and tarts, and have me fraternise with the dregs of the ghetto? You want me to engage with the likes of those grubby little tenement scrubbers? Harlots in housing estates?? Do you ? Eh? Is 7.30 ok?

I’m a Girl Guides master. The names Wanda Aboot. My girls are into orienteering and wilderness cooking, and we would like you to play hide and seek with us in Grunty Fen wood. Are you game, doctor? W.A

Dr F: Ahh! Getting back to nature, eh? As long as I can pitch my tent and the girls don’t mind me giving them a bit of a bushwhacking. Forget rubbing two sticks together let’s get a cracking good bonfire going with my last CRB disclosure document.

Your predatory sexual behaviour and penchant for young girls can mean only one thing. At eighteen I gave up a promising modelling career to meet you every Friday behind the gasworks. Even though we have been seeing each other only when you can be bothered (for a year now and after four courses of antibiotics) it’s obvious you won’t leave your 59 year old wife for me. What do you expect me to do? Adelaide Yasoonerorlater

Dr F: Try anti-ageing cream to get rid of the wrinkles. It certainly has taken years off ma nob.

I’m seventies and eighties zany comic Norman Collier. I did chicken impressions because I needed the eggs and now my microphone really doesn’t work. Am I well and truly plucked? N.C

Dr F: I see you are on Facebook. You should be used to the feedback by now.

I have to take my hat off to you because it's stopped raining. The thing is you “pushing the envelope” is something you may need to address. Aiden & Anna Bettin

Dr F: You Welsh are all the same. Too much cheese on your Welsh Rarebit. A dish I first thought was Catherine Zeta Jones . Cheese in Wales should be eaten Caerphilly.

You have the heart of Henry VIII. No loyalty towards to just one woman. Why the infidelity? Were you always this callous? Laura Bollicks

Dr F: Like Henry I like to chop and change. The rest is history.

I just want to die. Please help me, Doctor. Sue Isside

Dr F : In that case you did the right thing to call me.

You gave me swine flu. I’m trying to avoid draughts as I much prefer chess. Doo Lally

Dr F: Swine flu? I caught you wanking in the day room. Talk about ‘cast your pearls’. Eat four buckets of salt. It cures ham.

Your wife is stuck at Stansted customs charged with possession of cocaine disguised as cough candy twists that she said you asked her to smuggle in from South America inside various Ann Summers battery powered items. Did you plan to meet your wife at the airport? Superintendent Red Yarights

Dr F: No, it was in a launderette in Walthamstow. She didn’t have enough change for her boil-wash, and so she put her undies in with mine. We tried to separate once, but to no avail, her beige fluted and ribbed bloomers ended up twisted and tied to my drip-dry flesh coloured truss for the larger man..

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