This week: Prostitution

I row for Cambridge and I was sacked for trying to pull an oar. Unfortunately I was curbcrawling at the time. Michael Roderbote

DR F: You rowers will sink to anything. If you must feel the wood in your palm when rowing you could get disqualified for wanking. On the hand, that’s 2 disqualifications. Both hands is 3 and so on.

I have been soliciting for years. Now I want to quit the legal profession and go on the game. Ross  McCase

Dr F: Getting people regularly shafted will come easy to you then.

I’m a Roman Catholic prostitute. When I go to confession the priest prefers cash. Lil Lovepump

Dr F: I suppose a man of the cloth saves you a fortune in tissues.

I’m a lady of the evening. Some people call me a vampire. Beryl Lesque

Dr F: Yes that BJ was tricky. You literally punched my ticket. Thanks to you I now have to take an umbrella to the latrine.

I have made my living on my back for years now. I artex tunnels. Ivor Swirlbrush

Dr F: How naff! How long have you been buried? Artex is for people who wear Hushpuppies and listen to the Steve Miller Band. Wallpaper is the new linoleum. Vinyl will never die.

I love exotic birds. I even had a cockatoo last night. Luke Here

Dr F: The old ones are the best and that's why I always cop a feel in conga lines.

I have had multiple partners and I don’t mean just in card games. Lucy Lastic

Dr F: Snap.

I pay for prostitutes by credit card and now my wife has found out and wants to kick me out, what should I do?  Cliff Hanger

Dr F: Don’t leave home without it.

I have been standing here outside your surgery and stealing money from rich paying punters and offering free sex to penniless men leaving your office who want sex with me. Why?  Have you read them their last rites? Cher Wood

Dr F: No because they are all called 'John.'

I have some morals. For example, I never kiss punters during a shag because I have to go home and kiss the kids. Unless of course they are already family. Oona Skydish

Dr F: How noble. Chastity is not completely dead then?  I expect in your case having relations outside of marriage is only something other people do. Which reminds me it's over between us!  I don’t think my brother and I should have to take a DNA test on the Jeremy Kyle show just to satisfy your probation officer and to find out who the real Father is! You might be our mother but it's your sister I love. The way the wool rises up her neck and her lovable hind and that cute little springing leap she does when she primps across the field.

You are one perverted deviant bastard! Nats Toldimm

Dr F: Whatever! So,…. the usual please. That’s £5 for watching you clear your sinuses with pliers and rub yourself all over with swarfega while I lick it off wearing my testicles shish kebabbed on a number 8 knitting needle through each eye socket. £10 for looking at a picture of Philip Schofield until vomiting into a Salvation Army tambourine . £6 for shaving my pubes off with a machete while eating the spleen of a UKIP supporter. Have you change of a twenty?

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