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This week - Christmas 3 Why is Santa not allowed to have kids sit on his lap these days? After all he does come from Lapland. Nicholas Shame Dr Farquar says: It’s got nothing to do with CRB disclosures. If you were a child who had to queue for two hours just to be dragged into a tomb made of MDF and cotton wool using enough electricity to power Las Vegas and ultimately come face to face with a man in a scary disguise who stunk of cigarettes and whisky, what would you do? And then to add insult to injury you have to pay three quid for a present originally bought from the pound shop. The other 364 days of the year you are told never to speak to strangers and now you have your Mother yanking you, kicking and screaming, to accept a gift off one and shouting in your ear “Now look …. stop being scared….it's only Santa…. we’ve already talked about this… you little shit!!” I resent you stereotyping Santa as a drunk deviant loser. I give up my time every year to give kids a treat at Xmas when I could be out with my mates getting pissed and leering at schoolgirls. You try and sit there all day putting up with the little bastards knocking your lensless glasses off or snapping the elastic on your beard. Just once I would like the brats to own parents that can work the flash on a camera too! Ho! Ho! Feckin’ Ho! Tristan Shout Dr F: I know. I’ve done my share of charity work at Xmas. I draw the line when working with children, and if they step over it I just whack them. Last Xmas I worked at the Kiddie Xmas fair at the Grunty Fen local primary school. I sold Christmas cake at £6.66 and when nobody was looking, I stuck the plate on top of it and sold it as ‘Upside down cake’ for £9.99. This year I am dressing as Santa and have a sign outside my Grotto for kids saying “Dream On” These are my duties as a kind Father Christmas: If a kid was particularly naughty all year I would leave a reindeer's head in their bed Xmas morning. Here is the stock letter I send to all children who sweetly write to me Dear Kid, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. By the way, milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Now back to business. That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa P.S. Your parents smoke pot when you have gone to bed. Then, when they fall asleep, I steal your Mother's underwear and piss in your Dads slippers. What’s 18” long and hangs in front of an arsehole? A stethoscope! Merry Xmas Doctor! Anne Gina Dr F: Thank you for that. I’d like to offer you the compliments of the season too. Plus a prescription for your new revolutionary cutting edge medication to guarantee you a reversal in your symptoms of chest pain, a Xmas hamper with wine and spirits from all over the world and a voucher for a free Caribbean cruise. Then I thought … why should I? Santa must be a woman. Men can’t pack a bag and would never wear red velvet and are only interested in stockings of another sort! Bess Yet Dr F: Outrageous! If Santa was a woman, all Panto performers would have no need to cross-dress. I can’t imagine a lady Father Christmas. Who has heard of a woman with a bulging sack? Xmas would be torture.Instead of leaving milk and cookies you would have to leave a salad as Santa’s bum might look too big in this chimney. The sleigh would have a speeding ticket on it, or left parked in front of the emergency services entrance. If PMT means Xmas is cancelled, then that’s because you are a pig and just don’t understand. On the upside, the song “I saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus” would mean top quality girlie one-on-one. It strikes me that if Santa were gay it might be more appropriate. You just have to change the words to a few Xmas songs like..”We Three Queens” etc. Or even.. "You better come out, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is wearing a frock. He's making the switch, He's leaving his wife, He's gonna come out, to start a new life. Santa Claus is wearing lippy. A secret he's been keeping, It's made him awful tense. He knows it will be better now, Santa Clause is wearing a garter. So, you better come out, You better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Santa Claus is wearing a crotchless corset with lacey cups .
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: |
