When I was young
I looked upon Blue Peter with bright eyes
But one day an incident left me traumatised

Anthea Turner was presenting an item on keep fit
She wore a tight tracksuit
I couldn’t keep my eyes off it

What’s that that I see down there?
In the gusset area

chorus
Is that a tampon or a rolled up sock?
No – it’s Anthea Turner’s cock

I swear to God that’s what I saw
A lump I just could not ignore
I guess she has an ovary
She’s married to Grant Bovey

Unless she is a beard as well
It’s really hard these days to tell

chorus

My eyes, my eyes, my beautiful eyes
I’m permanently traumatised

 

from the album The Sensational Alex Salmond Band