DUMB DOWN DENIALS (published 4 May2002)
BBC - Simple as 1,2,3...

The BBC (it rhymes with DDT,kids) has vehemently denied that its flagship 6 O'Clock News programme has dumbed down even further.

Complaints that the '6 Briefing' section of the programme was like being given a good talking to by the headteacher have been poo-poohed by the station's current affairs spokesperson, Squidmore Highfinch-Smythe, who told our man with the clipboard and crayons:

'What utter nonsense. The 6 Briefing is a chance for our newscasters to explain in detail the important issues of the day whilst pointing at nice big letters and groovy graphics. Now go and stand outside until you're ready for some grown-up reporting.'

ICE CREAM WARS - THE MOVIE (published 18 May2002)
Attack of the Cones

Plans are afoot to turn the ever fascinating Glasgow gang scene into a movie featuring JedIcecream warriors and Penny Chewbaccy.

Other characters rumoured to be involved include Princess Leia Alane, Yodancer and C3PYaBass.

Director Dod Loadsacash commented yesterday,

'I think Darth Vadar may indeed be controlling the dark Choc Ices and we're still negotiating with Andy Goram to play the part of Jabba the Hun.

Andy Goram yesterday

LA LA LAW (published 18 May2002)
That's the Way to Do It

In an attempt to make courtrooms less intimidating to the poor wee scamps currently swamping the legal battlegrounds of the nation with their impish behaviour, barristers and judges have taken to wearing wacky wigs.

Our picture depicts an item of headwear resembling a chicken with its curlers in.

A spokesperson for the Justice Industry said yesterday, 'This is what they want. We are also looking at proposals to introduce strippers and stand up comics into the frankly stuffy atmosphere of our courtrooms.'

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