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Glasgow Celtic have confirmed that their new manager will be Chesney from Coronation Street. The surprise appointment has stunned the football world, although Chesney's proud father, Gordon, beamed yesterday: 'That's my boy!' In other football managery type news, Hearts fans are said to be completely gutted that Davey Jones of The Monkees will not now be taking charge at Tynecastle. Rumours that the new boss might be the bass player from The Darkness have been strenuously denied.
Diminutive doll/boy type creature, Jeanette Krankie, is making a full recovery following her dramatic fall from a beanstalk last year and is now banging the drum for the Chillies.
The BBC has strongly denied shrinking Scotland in their new 3D weather maps. Spokesperson Brigadier General Montgummybumper said yesterday, 'It is a well known scientific fact that Scotchshire has shrunk naturally over the years due to excessive rainfall and that.'
Yesterday saw the revival of one of the most excruciating puns in modern times. The Reckless did consider using Ted Dansen from Cheers for the headline 'Boots for Dansen' but reckoned no-one would get the obscure reference to an old Scottish post-punk group.
The latest bleeding edge technology deployed by George Bush to maintain constant satellite surveillance on George Galloway has been revealed. 'The varmint just took a dump,' chuckled the world's most powerful man yesterday in between lessons on pronouncing 'indefatigability'.
Legendary New York punk club CBGB's has stepped in to save the troubled Clydesdale bank by offering to put on live rock shows featuring exotic bankers in each branch in Scotland. This follows the abortive takeover attempt by CBeebies involving chocolate coins and rice paper.
'R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Indefatigability. Don't you bloody dare dis me. That includes you, Jeremy,' chanted Parliament's newest Soul Man yesterday as impudent upstart Jezza Paxo attempted to quiz the cheeky chappy.
Yet more political shenanigans from eclectech, doghorse and added Beau Bo D'or goodness. Not Safe for Work due to multiple naughty bits: This Town Ain't Big Enough For Both Of Us
Those awfully clever folks eclectech, doghorse and miss prism have done it again, with another wee corker of a Flash video featuring everyone's favourite beamer: Smirk a Little Smirk
John Prescott decides to take matters into his own fists by getting stuck intae more Greenpeace protesters attempting to install a wind farm in his back garden.
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CELTIC
CHOOSE CHESNEY (published
26 May 2005)
JEANETTE
KRANKIE JOINS RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS (published
26 May 2005)
BBC
DENIES SHRINKING SCOTLAND (published
19 May 2005)
THESE
BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKEN (published
19 May 2005)
GEORGE
BUGS GEORGE (published
16 May 2005)
CLYDESDALE
MERGER (published
16 May 2005)
GORGEOUS
GEORGE GOES GA GA (published
9 May 2005)
PRESCOTT
GOES MENTAL (published
2 May 2005)