COME BUY YAH (published 7 September 2002)
My Lord!

A handbag yesterday

The Reckless war correspondent, Twingecum Largely, reports from the opening of Harvey Nichols in Edinburgh:

'You thimply mutht bet your botties down here dahlings. The tweed collar ruffs and blancmange tidies are to die for. And as for the diamante shoe horns - well, what can I say? Transubstantiation - I can say that. I can you know. Is this on?

GRAMMAR CHAMELEON (published 14 September 2002)
He comes and goes

A new novelty learning aid was unveiled yesterday by the Council for Making Education Dead Funky Like:

CATS CLEAN UP (published 14 September 2002)
Cooncil Save Fortune

Local cooncils from all over the land of Scotch have managed to save thoosans an thoosans o poons.

By utilising the naturally hygenic habits of felines, they have trained a horde of pussy cats to drive their cleaning vehicles.

A spokesman for cooncils everywhere, Tam Bamalamadingdong, said yesterday,

'Aye, thur cheap and, occasionally, cheerful. Just the qualities we look fur in wur employees. Can I have my packet of pandrops now please?'

OZ REMAKE (published 21 September 2002)
Cheap as Shit

A new version of movie classic, The Wizard of Oz, thought to have been lost in the annals of history known as a garden shed in Ealing, has been unearthed.

It features racing pundit John McCririck, antique diva David Dickinson and the last performance of Leslie Crowther. Our exclusive clip shows the last dramatic moment in the film:

WHO WILL LOVE SADDAM HUSSEIN? (published 28 September 2002)
Battlecries and champagne

Album cover

A new CD dedicated to the chirpy antics of everyone's favourite dictator is released next week.

Featuring covers of the classic David Bowie album by tribute band, Hank Zapper and the Mother of all Battles, tracks include: Watch That Plane, Panic in Baghdad and Dive in Next Saturday.

EAT YOUR GREENS (published 28 September 2002)
No more whale meat again rubbish

A group of jolly Greenpeace protesters have met with an untimely, tragic, yet somehow poignant end on the high seas. For you see, they have been eaten by a whale.

One of their grannies, Nutritia Cutlets blubbered yesterday, 'It's what they would have wanted.'

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