Hello I'm Mark E Smith and this is The Mark E Smith Guide To Writing guide

Day by day breakdown
Day One : Hang around house all day writing bits of useless information on bits of paper
Day Two : Decide lack of inspiration due to too much isolation and non-fraternisation. Go to pub. Have drinks.
Day Three : Get up and go to pub. Hold on in there a style is on it's way. Through sheer boredom and drunkenness, talk to people in pub.
Day Four : By now, people in the pub should be continually getting on your nerves. Write things about them on backs of beer mats.
Day Five : Go to pub. This is where true penmanship stamina comes into it's own as by now, guilt, drunkenness, the people in the pub and the fact you're one of them should combine to enable you to write out of sheer vexation. To write out of sheer vexation.
Day Six : If possible stay home. And write. If not go to pub.

Using this method this is a poem I wrote called


Dear TV Times,

Your majesties, I have concocted, through the noble invention and Blarney-craft of the humble Northerner, a system whereby constant annoyance by the telephone can be erased. This entails explosive charges left to me by a dead sailor from Bury being wired-up under every window sill in close proximity to my ears. When phones ring and are inconvenient to the ears, I just press table-lamp-like button next to my bed and they blow up. I got the idea from a book.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Reg Varney

Once you get a bit of pain I was splitting meself.
Them 'illybillies!
Manchester is Manchester ship, cringing for punishment

The Gurkhas keep on advancing
The old cronies babble on TV
The leaders of the kids are drinking whisky with the rich
While the sparks fly in the plaza
Where the workers mass together

I got the idea from a book
I got the idea from a book
Them 'illybillies!
Them 'illybillies!



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