I was fifty years when I wrote this song
I’m still fifty now but I won’t be for long
People ask me when will you grow up to be a man
But I still get excited when I hear the ice cream van

I love Scotland and especially Leith
But once when I came back from Crieff
My sat nav – it lost its way
I was all lost in Dalgety Bay

I want my sat nav to work
I’m not looking for New Scotland
I’m just looking for Edinburgh

I don’t want to change the world
I’m not looking for New Scotland
I’m just looking for Edinburgh

I love the Birks of Aberfeldy
but not the berks you always see
propping up the bars in town
Telling you how they miss Gordon Brown

I got drunk in a bar last night
I pished masel and then I went and had a shite
I threw up in a bog in Leith
I lost my dignity…and teeth

I want my sat nav to work…