David Marshall
Just when we thought we’d won the match Serbia scored in the last gasp Extra time was agony And then it went to penalties Wish I could be David Marshall The pubs were shut…
Hear hereSport
The Nonce Watching Golf
Day after day Public money is paid out to parasites called royalty And one prince isn’t sweating He can see that we’re all just fools And he never gives an answer But the nonce…
Willie Johnston, Speed Freak
In Nineteen Hundred and Seventy Eight It looked like things would turn out great But as it happened, they were bleak For Willie Johnston, speed freak He was framed, he didn’t cheat Willie Johnston,…
Aberdeen Anguish
Aberdeen anguish Mind yer virus Oh dear, Nicola Sturgeon’s really mad at Aberdeen Now eight of their players have been placed in quarantine They went out for a drink and what do you think…
Douglas Useless
Well, hello, my name is Douglas Douglas Useless I am the new Scottish Tory boss The only thing that people know about me Is that I hate gypsies and I am a referee Now…
Assistant Referee’s Alphabet
A is for Aberdeen – where I was born and my mate Ross Thomson who represents the constituency Aberdeen South following the glorious election of 2017 B is for Bungle – our pet name…
Fucking Press Ups?
Press ups? Get down on your knees Ya pair of dungarees Fucking press ups? Get a grip ya twats Get some yoga mats Ya downward facing dogs It’s the terror of knowing these cunts…
I Don’t Remember Crowds
A gathering, a protest march What’s the difference? Here’s a chart I’ve got some figures, and an app Isle of Wight – stay in Massage the numbers, dirty tricks Cheltenham, Stereophonics Allowed out to…
Boos, Donald, It’s Boos
Boos, Donald, it’s boos That’s what you are hearing We can’t hear the news For all of the jeering Even at the baseball game The crowd can’t stand you It’s boos, Donald, it’s boos…
Mate, Shut Up
When Fabio Fognini met Andy Murray, it was ‘Mate, shut up!’