Fashion

Socks On Fire

  The racists are raging Burning their shoes They don’t like Nike Nike All this commotion For taking the knee Affecting their psyche Crikey You Your socks are on fire Hand me my scissors I’ll…

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Scottish Political Anoraks

  Here are the clinical Unpolished facts For Scottish political anoraks Outside your bubble Nobody cares That you’re taking the trouble To split bawhairs Oh relax, don’t do it, when you want to retweet it…


Jim Murphy’s Hair

Fundily Mundily Murphy has risen again. Any excuse to dust down this old classic: Are you looking at Jim Murphy’s hair? It has changed from mousey to white Remember studying for nine years and failing…


My Beautiful Ninja

  A Japanese city has been forced to clarify it is not in fact recruiting ninjas, following reports that it was facing a shortage of skilled assassins. That’s a shame. I was in the best…


Fashion Tips For Footballers

  Long shorts, long socks Cheeky little flash of knee Neck trim, long sleeves Massive gloves on the goalie Football fashion Football fashion Technicolour football boots Funky hairdos Artesan shin pads Crappy tattoos Waistcoat optional…


Hair Tonic

Uh huh, look at that sheen So lustrous,so clean Maybe it’s Maybelline So clean, so clean Uh huh, does he use creams? It gleams, it gleams Oh, Trump’s hair is beautiful Oh, what’s his secret?…



Jimmy Hats

The tourist board sell Jimmy hats A tartan bunnet with ginger hair hanging out Oh, you wanna buy some Jimmy hats I blame Russ Abbot – he fills me with dread Cut off his ears…


Alex Zane’s Mangina

He thinks he’s showing us funny stuff But we’re just looking at his man muff From Chingford to China They stare at Alex Zane’s Mangina You know that he will mention a Horse fisting Scottish…


Only Shoes

  Every woman, every man, thinks they’re a comedian Stand up, stand up…. Everybody throws their fists except journalists Who throw footwear Footwear All he wanted was to hit Bush on the nose His sole…