sponsored by The Tripe Marketing Board (@TripeUK)

The Daily Reckless is proud to present the alternative Reckless Eurovision Song Contest.

Based on the imaginary entries conjured up by Alexis Dubus (@AlexisDubus).

Illustrations where appropriate by Neil Slorance (@neilslorance) from his drawings of the actual 2019 Eurovision competition

Everybody sing!

ALBANIA
Agnesa Prifti – Give The World Some Lint
– Hip-hop electro opera from the Albanian queen of skiffle.

ARMENIA
Howdi Dowdi – Wowdi
– Psychedelic power-folk with a breakbeat edge.

AUSTRALIA
Dakka Nobson – Didgeridoowop
– Described as a knockabout tribute to the indigenous peoples of Australia, also described by various sources as extraordinarily misjudged on multiple levels.

AUSTRIA
Marina Glüft – Hold Me All Through The Night And Preferably Until Lunchtime The Following Day
– Overly needy ballad

AZERBAIJAN
Movistarz – A.Z.E.R.B.A.I.J.A.N.
– A discopop vibe with an overlong chorus

BELARUS
Varvara Uvd – Let’s Bake Some Love Bread
– Awful

BELGIUM
Biodegradable Polymer Bertrand – Ça Ne Plane Pas Pour Nous
– Environmentalist band, whose performance is rumoured to conclude with them supergluing themselves to the judges

CROATIA
Tomislav! – Playin’ My Guitar
High-pitched keyboard pop from the former grocer and midwife about the joys of playing the guitar

CYPRUS
Grigorios Psiskeristos – Fuck RyanAir
– Perhaps the most controversial entry this year. A heartfelt rock ballad about making love to a RyanAir plane.

CZECH REPUBLIC
Mila Chalupa – If I Could Hold You In My Hands
Tambourine-led tearjerker dedicated to a pet hedgehog

DENMARK
The Flasks – Dental Care
– A combination of electro-proto-funk and public information

ESTONIA
Rasmus & Oskar – What If I Borrowed Your Parents?
– Irreverent punk-samba from the bad boys of Tallinn

FINLAND
Anders Fitbit – Let’s Go Apeshit
– A hectic little number, said to contain the most words of any Eurovision song in the contest’s history

FRANCE
Jean-Jacques Puissard – Non
– Quite a negative entry from France, selected by the general public as the least likely to win, thereby sparing them the cultural ignominy of having to host the contest themselves

GEORGIA
Aktapüs – Secret Chair
Plodding prog rock number, which was originally 2 days long

GERMANY
Hermann Schisste – Zesty Trümpet
– Jaunty ditty from the German brass pioneer who claims to have never owned a shirt

GREECE
Yianis Varoufakis – It’s Monkey Time
– Conceptual pop effort, with every word written by a different member of the public and voted on individually, then pieced together by a 7-year-old

HUNGARY
Hung Gary – Put It There
– The country’s most renowned porn star brings some sexy dick rock to the table

ICELAND
Spínkí – Fuurvkðþærngörbygginahærftækár
– An ethereal ballad, roughly translating as “Drinking water from a glacier using a smashed-out telescope”

IRELAND
The Pontiffs – Sham Rock
– An ironic entry from the anarchist rockers, who have all undergone plastic surgery to look like Ronan Keating, playing guitars made of frozen Guinness

ISRAEL
Homeland – La La La La La La La La La La La La
– 16-piece boyband singing the chorus over and over as loudly as they can. This song has also been used throughout the year as a riposte to anyone questioning the choice of host country for this year’s contest.

ITALY
Paolo Bonafini – Il Mio Amore, Il Mio Cuore Spezzato, Le Mie Albicocche, I Miei Pantaloni, Il Mio Mutuo
(“My Love, My Heartbreak, My Trousers, My Apricots, My Mortgage”)
– Baffling ballad from the Berlusconi-backed balladeer

LATVIA
Ilenka Noštokoštavieks – Don’t Play Games
– Angry flute-rock number directed against children

LITHUANIA
Darius Budrys – If I Were To Run A Zoo
– Posturing anarcho-soul featuring 23 dancers dressed as chimps in bikinis

MALTA
Marcellino Mifsud – My Kind Of Funky
– Malta’s biggest Instagram food blogger, accompanied by only a bass player, explains in great detail exactly what his kind of funky is, and isn’t

MOLDOVA
Sacha Iribeskú – is This Love In My Knapsack?
– Tortured techno ballad performed blindfolded

MONTENEGRO
????????? ?? ??????? – Loving You (Is Like Going On Holiday To Montenegro)
– Blatantly tourism-led gypsy ballad

NETHERLANDS
Nice Face – Woo Woo Woo (Let’s Go Swimming)
– Quirky brother and sister pop act who switch gender roles mid-song

NORTH MACEDONIA
Grilli – The Evening We Killed A Swan
– Ultra catchy synth-pop

NORWAY
Death Crab – Rinky Dinky
– The most political song this year, subtly berating neoliberalism via the medium of Baroque thrash

POLAND
Maria Przybyszewski – How Long?
– Heartfelt yet relatable torch song about waiting for food at a busy cafeteria

PORTUGAL
The Fabulouses – Gay Wednesday
– Surprising reggae number from the straight white quarter-finalists of Portugal’s Got Talent

ROMANIA
Concizie – This Is The End
– The shortest song in Eurovision history, clocking in at 8 seconds and containing just four words

RUSSIA
Igor Nyestin – Believe In Your Soul
– Another world record, with the lowest notes ever recorded for a Eurovision song

SAN MARINO
Celebrazione – Put Your Hands Out In Front Of You
– Gratingly positive workout-trance with an achingly simplistic accompanying dance routine

SCOTLAND
Half Bam Half Whisky – Jocko Euro
A unique re-imagining of the Devo classic, Jocko Homo, originally posted in the Daily Reckless in 2008

SERBIA
Teodora Ðordevic – And That’s That
– Wailing accordion-based ska number instructing listeners how to spell the word “that”

SLOVENIA
Zvezdana Žitnik – This Is The Time
– Accompanied by 6 drummers and a foghorn, this semi-improvised grime number sees the multi-octave yellow-haired singer informing the audience of the time throughout the song’s duration

SPAIN
Paco Jamón – Fiesta Siesta Siesta Fiesta
– A frenetic number about partying, sleeping, sleeping again and then partying

SWEDEN
Jens Frissberg – Freeze Your Love In A Bag
– Terrifying stalker-pop

SWITZERLAND
Buna Notg – [Untitled]
– Eurovision’s first ever entry performed entirely in mime

UNITED KINGDOM
Ian Jenkinson – Sorry
– A melodramatic number with Jenkinson singing sorry in every European language, and Australian