Hello old bean
How is Jocasta?
We’re having a frightfully posh soiree
It’s Halloween, we’re having pasta
Shaped like the bats in our belfry

We’ve invited all the locals
Tarquin is getting rather tipsy
He’s called the farmers country yokels
And the oiks a bunch of gypsies

The Heretics have taken over the gazebo
Lucinda is being stalked by a paedo
The Satanists are rummaging in the wine cellar
Our kitchen utensils are being rubbed by Uri Geller

The tennis court has been grafitted
With a huge drawing of a phallus
Tarquin admits he is defeated
And a little jealous

The gargoyles on the west wing turrets
Are not as frightening as our guests
Some have extensions on their mullets
And half their lunch on their string vests

The Heretics have taken over the gazebo
Lucinda is being stalked by a paedo
The Satanists are rummaging in the wine cellar
Our kitchen utensils are being rubbed by Uri Geller

Take away these Frankensteins
With their awful bling and Calvin Kleins
Don’t they know there’s a recession on?
They make Liberace look like Elton John

Who is that staggering round the pagoda?
Who invited Kerry Katona?

from the album SW1 by Tommy Mackay.