I was watching bloody Newsnight,
When I saw a Billy Bunter
And he was a little old man ([Hello!])
In drab black and gray, chuckling away

Well he trotted out the usual
As he sat beside Kirsty ([Ahh!])
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day

“I ought to report you to the Gnome Office.”
[“Gnome Office? Ahahahah!”]

Mark Francois, hee, hee, hee
He’s a laughing nob and a cunt you see
Mark Francois, hee, hee, hee
I’m a laughing gnome and you can’t catch me,
Said the laughing nob

Well I gave him bully beef and carrots
And a glass of Pimms. ([*burp* Pardon…])
Then I put him in a time machine
Packed his bag, and gave him a flag.

[“Have you got a light, boy?”]
“Here, where do you come from?”
[“Gnome-man’s land, heehee!”]
“Oh, for fuck sake”

In the morning, when I woke up,
He was back on the fucking telly,
Talking bout sticking it to Gerry
He’d brought Fred along to sing us a song.

“Alright, let’s hear it… ‘ere, what’s that clicking noise?”
[“That’s Fred, he’s a metro-gnome, haha!”]
Jesus Christ

Mark Francois, hee, hee, hee
He’s a laughing nob and a cunt you see
Mark Francois, hee, hee, hee
He’s a laughing nob and a cunt you see