My Bruvver


Phaugh… There’s something funny round here,
What is it
Ohh! it’s you
Come here and sit down,
You’re gonna have the truth told about you and put on record

‘Ere, please do not sit too close to me
I’ve just had my breakfast…
Thank you

Who told lies to the press?
Who made up stories to impress?
Who fucked it up and left a mess?

My brother!

My brother said it was not he
who shagged the cleaner in the lavatory
My brother said that it was me!
My brother.

My brother wrote on the side of a bus
He’d give money to the NHS
My brother said it wasn’t us
My brother’s rotten

Who said he didn’t want an election
Then said he wanted an election
Who gave Rees Mogg an erection

My brother!

You oughta see what he drew
Aw what a surprise
Nobody knew what it was really
But everybody had a jolly good idea
And he wrote slogans
“Down with young mothers” that was one
Cos he don’t think my mum knows how to bring us up right
I don’t think so either
You know, every night when we’re wide awake,
She makes us go to bed, and
Then in the morning when we’re fast asleep
She makes us get up

Whose new dog made people coo
But made others shout, ‘Stop the coup!’
Who hasn’t got a fucking clue

My brother!

Who shouts at his girlfriend and will not cease
Until the neighbours call the police
Who’s a racist and a beast
My brother!

He looks just like a chimney sweep
But dirt they say is just skin deep
I know he’s good when he’s asleep,
But you don’t know what he’s dreamin’ about (do ya)
Who wouldn’t mind if I ride his bike
Who lets me shoot his gun if I like
Who says I’m best at Football, Ludo, Snakes & Ladders
Hide & Seek, Chasin’ each other up and down the garden
Pinchin’ little girls up the high street
Well he’s gotta say I’m best
Cos I’m bigger than he is
And if he don’t say I’m best at everything, I’ll bash him.
My lovely lovely brother
Come on, come on mate, lets get out of here
Before you fall down the hole in the middle
Come on give us your hand’ we’re gonna wal…
‘Ere what have you had in your hand
‘Ave ya?

with apologies to Terry Scott and thanks to Mark Thomas for the first two verses

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