Help Yourself

(Another Public Service Announcement by the UK Government)


Help Yourself

Fight germs in the airport lounge
Fight germs on foreign beaches
Fight your fears, sweat, blood and tears
Recycle Churchill speeches

Keep Mammon alive 9 to 5
Commute for the greater glory
Dulce et decorum est
Pro Pret a Manger mori

Eat out to spread it about
Drop Jager Bombs on the virus
U-turn, reverse your ferret
Twerk from home with Miley Cyrus

Heed the rule of six feet under
Comply with the Da Vinci Code
Hands, face, space, drink, feck, arse
Follow the yellow brick road

Save Christmas, never surrender
Don’t let the bells end, don’t give in
Get roaring drunk by 10pm
Let your hair down with discipline

Stiffen sinews, do your duty
England expects you to behave
Lock all empty stable doors
Wear smiley masks at a rave

Book a Covid test in Narnia
Isolate together without fail
Download Aladdin’s magic app
Track and trace the Holy Grail

Load up with silver bullets
Aim high, shoot grouse on the moon
Button up your overcoat
Whistle a happy tune

Don’t look back in anger
Don’t take your love to town
Hold a chicken in the air
Do the disco duck, get down

Help yourself, be viable
Find a new job, do the right thing
Cross your fingers, clutch at straws
Hibernate, wake up next spring

Elvis McGonagall, Oct. 2020


from the album Lying On The Job by Borrissey


see also:

Abbasolutely Fucked

Surrender (Plague Island variant)

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1 Comment on "Help Yourself"

  1. You never fail to cheer me up whatever my mood!
    Elvis you are pure wordsmith magic!
    I’m off to shoot grouse on the moon and then it’s defo hibernation for me… 😘

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