I am the very model of a modern major orator
I wiffle and I waffle – a great stammerer and stutterer
I know the queen of England, and I quote Latin historical
My verbal diarrhoea isn’t what you’d call rhetorical

I’m well acquainted with absurdist neo-feudal theatre
Happening inside the House of Commons in Westminster
We’re still coming down from the adrenalin rush
of losing our empire and status

We do not like to look ahead, we’re truly blue and never red
We pretend to follow the science instead
When we’re forced to on the news

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the high potty potty news

My real name is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel
I am a master of the bluster and of the kerfuffle
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern major orator

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern major gin earl

I know our mythic history, I’ve studied Winston Churchill
His gravitas escapes me though, I’m more like Julie Burchill
I clumsily annoy by spaffing up a wall
I’ll hold aloft a fish or biscuits – anything at all
I’ll sniff out the commoners. That is my upbringing,
I’ll flip flop onto the side that’s winning

I’ll sneak out of the back door
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinner Pinafore

Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform,
And tell you every detail of Caractacus’s uniform:
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major orator

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major Gin Earl

You’ll say a better Major Gin Earl has never satired ye
You’ll say a better Major Gin Earl has never satired ye
You’ll say a better Major Gin Earl has never said or satired ye

My military knowledge, though I’m plucky and adventury,
Is waving flags upon zip wires in the 21st century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern major orator

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
He is the very model of a modern Major Gin Earl