A is for Aberdeen – where I was born and my mate Ross Thomson who represents the constituency Aberdeen South following the glorious election of 2017
B is for Bungle – our pet name for our glorious leader Theresa May
C is for Conservative. What else? The highest political philosophy known to man. And ladies.
D is for Douglas – my first name. I’m lucky enough to be one of those people who has two first names for my whole name. That’s impressive, eh?
E is for Education. I was educated at Forres Academy and the Scottish Agricultural College. Forres sounds like forest doesn’t it? I’m so ecological.
F is for Fochabers and Lhanbryde – my first ward. This is where the magic began.
G is for Gypsies. Don’t like ’em.
H is for the House of Commons where I show up occasionally if I’m not assisting referees.
I is for investigation which the SFA did on me. I was warned to pay attention to my use of language. Big wows.
J is for junket – a ridiculous word used to besmirch my important training trips to Switzerland.
K is for the 40 K I get a year for my weekend job. Not including the all-expenses paid trips to Europe.
L is for linesman which some people still insist on calling the noble art of assistant refeering. Get with the 21st century, you neanderthals.
M is for Moray – my constituency. My kind of people. The huge Tory funding and tailored advertising aimed at the residents, helped me spank SNP Bad man Angus Robertson in the 2017 election. Happy days.
N is for New Conservatism which is much like Old Conservatism but much much worse.
O is for Old Firm. I officiated at an old firm match once and repeatedly shouted at the referee to send off a Celtic player. One of my finest moments.
P is for Portugal where I officated in a Champions League match between Sporting Lisbon and Real Madrid.
Q is for Question Time – a light entertainment programme which they really should get me on so I can explain the offside rule.
R is for Real Madrid. I was assistant referee at one of their games once don’t you know.
S is for Sporting Lisbon. That’s who Real Madrid were playing when I was assistant referee. Amazing, eh?
T is for Tuesday which is the day I missed the justice committee meeting to officiate at that Sporting Lisbon versus Real Madrid game in Portugal I was talking about.
U is for Universal Credit -that’s the debate I missed in Parliament due to my heavy refereeing schedule.
V is for vulgar which is what all these moaning minnies are that go on about my refereeing commitments.
W is for Westminster. Nice place. Shame about the cybernat oiks there.
X is for the mark on the ballot paper so many millions of marvellous Moray people placed next to my name that glorious day in 2017.
Y is for yellow card. It’s like a red card. But yellow.
Z is for zippy. My favourite Rainbow character. He looks a bit like my mate Ross Thomson too. Haha. Only joking, Ross – ya big Saddam sword joker ye.
from The Ross Boys EP by Half Bam Half Whisky Listen here