The Reckless Eurovision Song Contest

As Britain manages to finish even lower in their last place position at this year’s official Eurovision and votes to humiliate itself further in the European elections, the Daily Reckless is proud to present the alternative Reckless Eurovision Song Contest (sponsored by the Tripe Marketing Board).

Based on the imaginary entries conjured up by Alexis Dubus (@AlexisDubus).

Illustrations where appropriate by Neil Slorance (@neilslorance) from his drawings of the actual 2019 Eurovision competition

Everybody sing!

ALBANIA
Agnesa Prifti – Give The World Some Lint
– Hip-hop electro opera from the Albanian queen of skiffle.

ARMENIA
Howdi Dowdi – Wowdi
– Psychedelic power-folk with a breakbeat edge.

AUSTRALIA
Dakka Nobson – Didgeridoowop
– Described as a knockabout tribute to the indigenous peoples of Australia, also described by various sources as extraordinarily misjudged on multiple levels.

AUSTRIA
Marina Glüft – Hold Me All Through The Night And Preferably Until Lunchtime The Following Day
– Overly needy ballad

AZERBAIJAN
Movistarz – A.Z.E.R.B.A.I.J.A.N.
– A discopop vibe with an overlong chorus

BELARUS
Varvara Uvd – Let’s Bake Some Love Bread
– Awful

BELGIUM
Biodegradable Polymer Bertrand – Ça Ne Plane Pas Pour Nous
– Environmentalist band, whose performance is rumoured to conclude with them supergluing themselves to the judges

CROATIA
Tomislav! – Playin’ My Guitar
High-pitched keyboard pop from the former grocer and midwife about the joys of playing the guitar

CYPRUS
Grigorios Psiskeristos – Fuck RyanAir
– Perhaps the most controversial entry this year. A heartfelt rock ballad about making love to a RyanAir plane.

CZECH REPUBLIC
Mila Chalupa – If I Could Hold You In My Hands
Tambourine-led tearjerker dedicated to a pet hedgehog

DENMARK
The Flasks – Dental Care
– A combination of electro-proto-funk and public information

ESTONIA
Rasmus & Oskar – What If I Borrowed Your Parents?
– Irreverent punk-samba from the bad boys of Tallinn

FINLAND
Anders Fitbit – Let’s Go Apeshit
– A hectic little number, said to contain the most words of any Eurovision song in the contest’s history

FRANCE
Jean-Jacques Puissard – Non
– Quite a negative entry from France, selected by the general public as the least likely to win, thereby sparing them the cultural ignominy of having to host the contest themselves

GEORGIA
Aktapüs – Secret Chair
Plodding prog rock number, which was originally 2 days long

GERMANY
Hermann Schisste – Zesty Trümpet
– Jaunty ditty from the German brass pioneer who claims to have never owned a shirt

GREECE
Yianis Varoufakis – It’s Monkey Time
– Conceptual pop effort, with every word written by a different member of the public and voted on individually, then pieced together by a 7-year-old

HUNGARY
Hung Gary – Put It There
– The country’s most renowned porn star brings some sexy dick rock to the table

ICELAND
Spínkí – Fuurvkðþærngörbygginahærftækár
– An ethereal ballad, roughly translating as “Drinking water from a glacier using a smashed-out telescope”

IRELAND
The Pontiffs – Sham Rock
– An ironic entry from the anarchist rockers, who have all undergone plastic surgery to look like Ronan Keating, playing guitars made of frozen Guinness

ISRAEL
Homeland – La La La La La La La La La La La La
– 16-piece boyband singing the chorus over and over as loudly as they can. This song has also been used throughout the year as a riposte to anyone questioning the choice of host country for this year’s contest.

ITALY
Paolo Bonafini – Il Mio Amore, Il Mio Cuore Spezzato, Le Mie Albicocche, I Miei Pantaloni, Il Mio Mutuo
(“My Love, My Heartbreak, My Trousers, My Apricots, My Mortgage”)
– Baffling ballad from the Berlusconi-backed balladeer

LATVIA
Ilenka Noštokoštavieks – Don’t Play Games
– Angry flute-rock number directed against children

LITHUANIA
Darius Budrys – If I Were To Run A Zoo
– Posturing anarcho-soul featuring 23 dancers dressed as chimps in bikinis

MALTA
Marcellino Mifsud – My Kind Of Funky
– Malta’s biggest Instagram food blogger, accompanied by only a bass player, explains in great detail exactly what his kind of funky is, and isn’t

MOLDOVA
Sacha Iribeskú – is This Love In My Knapsack?
– Tortured techno ballad performed blindfolded

MONTENEGRO
????????? ?? ??????? – Loving You (Is Like Going On Holiday To Montenegro)
– Blatantly tourism-led gypsy ballad

NETHERLANDS
Nice Face – Woo Woo Woo (Let’s Go Swimming)
– Quirky brother and sister pop act who switch gender roles mid-song

NORTH MACEDONIA
Grilli – The Evening We Killed A Swan
– Ultra catchy synth-pop

NORWAY
Death Crab – Rinky Dinky
– The most political song this year, subtly berating neoliberalism via the medium of Baroque thrash

POLAND
Maria Przybyszewski – How Long?
– Heartfelt yet relatable torch song about waiting for food at a busy cafeteria

PORTUGAL
The Fabulouses – Gay Wednesday
– Surprising reggae number from the straight white quarter-finalists of Portugal’s Got Talent

ROMANIA
Concizie – This Is The End
– The shortest song in Eurovision history, clocking in at 8 seconds and containing just four words

RUSSIA
Igor Nyestin – Believe In Your Soul
– Another world record, with the lowest notes ever recorded for a Eurovision song

SAN MARINO
Celebrazione – Put Your Hands Out In Front Of You
– Gratingly positive workout-trance with an achingly simplistic accompanying dance routine

SCOTLAND
Half Bam Half Whisky – Jocko Euro
A unique re-imagining of the Devo classic, Jocko Homo, originally posted in the Daily Reckless in 2008

SERBIA
Teodora Ðordevic – And That’s That
– Wailing accordion-based ska number instructing listeners how to spell the word “that”

SLOVENIA
Zvezdana Žitnik – This Is The Time
– Accompanied by 6 drummers and a foghorn, this semi-improvised grime number sees the multi-octave yellow-haired singer informing the audience of the time throughout the song’s duration

SPAIN
Paco Jamón – Fiesta Siesta Siesta Fiesta
– A frenetic number about partying, sleeping, sleeping again and then partying

SWEDEN
Jens Frissberg – Freeze Your Love In A Bag
– Terrifying stalker-pop

SWITZERLAND
Buna Notg – [Untitled]
– Eurovision’s first ever entry performed entirely in mime

UNITED KINGDOM
Ian Jenkinson – Sorry
– A melodramatic number with Jenkinson singing sorry in every European language, and Australian

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