The Reckless Eurovision Song Contest

As Britain manages to finish even lower in their last place position at this year’s official Eurovision and votes to humiliate itself further in the European elections, the Daily Reckless is proud to present the alternative Reckless Eurovision Song Contest (sponsored by the Tripe Marketing Board).

Based on the imaginary entries conjured up by Alexis Dubus (@AlexisDubus).

Illustrations where appropriate by Neil Slorance (@neilslorance) from his drawings of the actual 2019 Eurovision competition

Everybody sing!

Agnesa Prifti – Give The World Some Lint
– Hip-hop electro opera from the Albanian queen of skiffle.

Howdi Dowdi – Wowdi
– Psychedelic power-folk with a breakbeat edge.

Dakka Nobson – Didgeridoowop
– Described as a knockabout tribute to the indigenous peoples of Australia, also described by various sources as extraordinarily misjudged on multiple levels.

Marina Glüft – Hold Me All Through The Night And Preferably Until Lunchtime The Following Day
– Overly needy ballad

Movistarz – A.Z.E.R.B.A.I.J.A.N.
– A discopop vibe with an overlong chorus

Varvara Uvd – Let’s Bake Some Love Bread
– Awful

Biodegradable Polymer Bertrand – Ça Ne Plane Pas Pour Nous
– Environmentalist band, whose performance is rumoured to conclude with them supergluing themselves to the judges

Tomislav! – Playin’ My Guitar
High-pitched keyboard pop from the former grocer and midwife about the joys of playing the guitar

Grigorios Psiskeristos – Fuck RyanAir
– Perhaps the most controversial entry this year. A heartfelt rock ballad about making love to a RyanAir plane.

Mila Chalupa – If I Could Hold You In My Hands
Tambourine-led tearjerker dedicated to a pet hedgehog

The Flasks – Dental Care
– A combination of electro-proto-funk and public information

Rasmus & Oskar – What If I Borrowed Your Parents?
– Irreverent punk-samba from the bad boys of Tallinn

Anders Fitbit – Let’s Go Apeshit
– A hectic little number, said to contain the most words of any Eurovision song in the contest’s history

Jean-Jacques Puissard – Non
– Quite a negative entry from France, selected by the general public as the least likely to win, thereby sparing them the cultural ignominy of having to host the contest themselves

Aktapüs – Secret Chair
Plodding prog rock number, which was originally 2 days long

Hermann Schisste – Zesty Trümpet
– Jaunty ditty from the German brass pioneer who claims to have never owned a shirt

Yianis Varoufakis – It’s Monkey Time
– Conceptual pop effort, with every word written by a different member of the public and voted on individually, then pieced together by a 7-year-old

Hung Gary – Put It There
– The country’s most renowned porn star brings some sexy dick rock to the table

Spínkí – Fuurvkðþærngörbygginahærftækár
– An ethereal ballad, roughly translating as “Drinking water from a glacier using a smashed-out telescope”

The Pontiffs – Sham Rock
– An ironic entry from the anarchist rockers, who have all undergone plastic surgery to look like Ronan Keating, playing guitars made of frozen Guinness

Homeland – La La La La La La La La La La La La
– 16-piece boyband singing the chorus over and over as loudly as they can. This song has also been used throughout the year as a riposte to anyone questioning the choice of host country for this year’s contest.

Paolo Bonafini – Il Mio Amore, Il Mio Cuore Spezzato, Le Mie Albicocche, I Miei Pantaloni, Il Mio Mutuo
(“My Love, My Heartbreak, My Trousers, My Apricots, My Mortgage”)
– Baffling ballad from the Berlusconi-backed balladeer

Ilenka Noštokoštavieks – Don’t Play Games
– Angry flute-rock number directed against children

Darius Budrys – If I Were To Run A Zoo
– Posturing anarcho-soul featuring 23 dancers dressed as chimps in bikinis

Marcellino Mifsud – My Kind Of Funky
– Malta’s biggest Instagram food blogger, accompanied by only a bass player, explains in great detail exactly what his kind of funky is, and isn’t

Sacha Iribeskú – is This Love In My Knapsack?
– Tortured techno ballad performed blindfolded

????????? ?? ??????? – Loving You (Is Like Going On Holiday To Montenegro)
– Blatantly tourism-led gypsy ballad

Nice Face – Woo Woo Woo (Let’s Go Swimming)
– Quirky brother and sister pop act who switch gender roles mid-song

Grilli – The Evening We Killed A Swan
– Ultra catchy synth-pop

Death Crab – Rinky Dinky
– The most political song this year, subtly berating neoliberalism via the medium of Baroque thrash

Maria Przybyszewski – How Long?
– Heartfelt yet relatable torch song about waiting for food at a busy cafeteria

The Fabulouses – Gay Wednesday
– Surprising reggae number from the straight white quarter-finalists of Portugal’s Got Talent

Concizie – This Is The End
– The shortest song in Eurovision history, clocking in at 8 seconds and containing just four words

Igor Nyestin – Believe In Your Soul
– Another world record, with the lowest notes ever recorded for a Eurovision song

Celebrazione – Put Your Hands Out In Front Of You
– Gratingly positive workout-trance with an achingly simplistic accompanying dance routine

Half Bam Half Whisky – Jocko Euro
A unique re-imagining of the Devo classic, Jocko Homo, originally posted in the Daily Reckless in 2008

Teodora Ðordevic – And That’s That
– Wailing accordion-based ska number instructing listeners how to spell the word “that”

Zvezdana Žitnik – This Is The Time
– Accompanied by 6 drummers and a foghorn, this semi-improvised grime number sees the multi-octave yellow-haired singer informing the audience of the time throughout the song’s duration

Paco Jamón – Fiesta Siesta Siesta Fiesta
– A frenetic number about partying, sleeping, sleeping again and then partying

Jens Frissberg – Freeze Your Love In A Bag
– Terrifying stalker-pop

Buna Notg – [Untitled]
– Eurovision’s first ever entry performed entirely in mime

Ian Jenkinson – Sorry
– A melodramatic number with Jenkinson singing sorry in every European language, and Australian

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